Thoughts During a 3 Mile Run

Pre-run: Alright! It’s a nice day. The sun is out. I’ve got my new running shoes, which definitely weren’t overpriced. I mean, when you consider all the running I’m going to be doing it was definitely worth it. Snickers would agree with me. (Snickers is a moody cat that thinks running is for peasants. He also knows his way around a twice baked potato.)

Mile 0.0: Okay, I better do some stretching. Don’t want to pull anything. Let’s start with some toe-touching. How long am I supposed to do this? Can people actually touch their toes? OK, good enough. Maybe some arm swings or something now. Yep. That should do it.

0.1: This is nice. Pleasant, even.

0.2: Look at that, a bird feeding her young. How sweet.

0.4: Oh, another person running. It looks like they’re having a good time too. Man, you really can’t beat this.

0.6: Should I be breathing this hard?

0.65: No seriously, should I? This doesn’t seem healthy. I sound like a guy trying to pound a cheeseburger while climbing Everest.

0.8: Not even a mile yet? Surely I’ve gone farther than that.

0.9: Okay I’ve definitely gone farther than a mile by now. I don’t care what the trail or my fancy watch with fancy distance tracking features tells me! It’s all a scam by the government!

1.0: This was a mistake. A terrible mistake. I realize that now.

1.3: WHAT MISERABLE HUMAN BEING WOULD DO THIS TO THEMSELVES!?

1.5: Brownies.

1.51: Cake.

1.52: Cookie dough.

1.53: One of those giant subs you see at parties or in a meme.

1.54: Big steamy pile of lasagna.

1.55: Grandma’s casserole.

1.56: Pizza.

1.6: OMG THAT BIRD WASN’T FEEDING HER YOUNG; SHE WAS TAUNTING THEM. TAUNTING THEM WITH FOOD THEY’LL NEVER GET BECAUSE IT’S A COLD, CRUEL WORLD!

1.7: DON’T WAVE AND SMILE AT ME, PERSON RUNNING SIGNIFICANTLY FASTER IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE THAT COMFORTABLE, YOU LYING SON OF A RUSTY PARK BENCH!

1.71: I didn’t mean that. I’m sure he’s a nice person. The park bench, too.

1.8 to 2.6:

2.7: If I ever get through this I promise I’ll do better, God. I’ll work harder at my job. I’ll be a better friend. I won’t take the good times for granted.

2.8: The end is near!

2.85: So close I can taste it.

2.9: Seriously, only steps away now!

2.95: WHERE IS THE FREAKING FINISH ALREADY!?

3.0: Ah, that wasn’t so bad. I think I’ll do it again tomorrow.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts During a 3 Mile Run”

  1. Devon- this was SO funny. That is probably the thought process I would be having. That is why I preferred running trails. That way if you collapsed you could do it in private. You made it, so that is an accomplishment! Great post! I especially love your illustration. Fine art.

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