Pre-run: Alright! It’s a nice day. The sun is out. I’ve got my new running shoes, which definitely weren’t overpriced. I mean, when you consider all the running I’m going to be doing it was definitely worth it. Snickers would agree with me. (Snickers is a moody cat that thinks running is for peasants. He also knows his way around a twice baked potato.)
Mile 0.0: Okay, I better do some stretching. Don’t want to pull anything. Let’s start with some toe-touching. How long am I supposed to do this? Can people actually touch their toes? OK, good enough. Maybe some arm swings or something now. Yep. That should do it.
0.1: This is nice. Pleasant, even.
0.2: Look at that, a bird feeding her young. How sweet.
0.4: Oh, another person running. It looks like they’re having a good time too. Man, you really can’t beat this.
0.6: Should I be breathing this hard?
0.65: No seriously, should I? This doesn’t seem healthy. I sound like a guy trying to pound a cheeseburger while climbing Everest.
0.8: Not even a mile yet? Surely I’ve gone farther than that.
0.9: Okay I’ve definitely gone farther than a mile by now. I don’t care what the trail or my fancy watch with fancy distance tracking features tells me! It’s all a scam by the government!
1.0: This was a mistake. A terrible mistake. I realize that now.
1.3: WHAT MISERABLE HUMAN BEING WOULD DO THIS TO THEMSELVES!?
1.52: Cookie dough.
1.53: One of those giant subs you see at parties or in a meme.
1.54: Big steamy pile of lasagna.
1.55: Grandma’s casserole.
1.6: OMG THAT BIRD WASN’T FEEDING HER YOUNG; SHE WAS TAUNTING THEM. TAUNTING THEM WITH FOOD THEY’LL NEVER GET BECAUSE IT’S A COLD, CRUEL WORLD!
1.7: DON’T WAVE AND SMILE AT ME, PERSON RUNNING SIGNIFICANTLY FASTER IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE THAT COMFORTABLE, YOU LYING SON OF A RUSTY PARK BENCH!
1.71: I didn’t mean that. I’m sure he’s a nice person. The park bench, too.
1.8 to 2.6: …
2.7: If I ever get through this I promise I’ll do better, God. I’ll work harder at my job. I’ll be a better friend. I won’t take the good times for granted.
2.8: The end is near!
2.85: So close I can taste it.
2.9: Seriously, only steps away now!
2.95: WHERE IS THE FREAKING FINISH ALREADY!?
3.0: Ah, that wasn’t so bad. I think I’ll do it again tomorrow.