Ridiculous Office Rules

A lot of work environments have some sort of office place rules. Some are mundane and expected—like treat your fellow co-workers with respect and don’t drive the boss’s Ferrari into a dumpster. But some can be pretty ridiculous. The following 18 rules are a testament to that.

1. Fifteen minute mandatory yoga sessions immediately following lunch. You work at a trendy upstart. Jeans are acceptable. Flannel shirts are encouraged; the glasses with no lenses, too. And if you can’t touch your toes by the end of the week you’re gonna have to take a 20 percent pay cut.

2. Wear a bow tie with three colors when two colors was clearly said to be the minimum in the employee contract. They said two colors was the minimum, but that hasn’t been acceptable since before Donny from two cubicles over was born.

3. Wear less clothing on Thursday than you did on Wednesday, but still an appropriate amount. For example, you could wear suspenders on Wednesday and a regular belt on Thursday. Or mittens with holes in the fingertips as to not hamper workplace performance and then no mittens. Or a wool jacket making you physically uncomfortable for the entirety of the day, and regular, sane workplace attire again the next day. That sort of thing.

4. Can’t type the letter ‘A’ in emails. If you do, you have to wear a giant letter A on your shirt for the rest of the day.

5. Nerf War Friday. This may sound cool, and it is the first couple of times, but ever since you took a dart to the eye and a karate kick to the back by the always overzealous Ken, you think it’s less cool.

6. No coffee on Monday. Only acceptable substitute: the instant decaf coffee typically only reserved for an overnight backpacking trip for nobody ever.

7. When somebody finishes a project everybody has to stomp their feet twice, clap once, and do a chair spin while yelling, “Woo!”

8. Replace all ‘th’ sounds in names with an ‘f’ sound instead. Jonathan becomes Jonafan. Nathan becomes Nafan. Bethany becomes Befany. And so on. Anybody who has one of these names isn’t made aware of the rule.

9. 20 push-ups for anyone who says “On Fleek” or “Let me tell you a story about a little biscuit who met some gravy last night” when referring to a date or intimate connection. This one everybody agrees on. Even Jason whose favorite word combination is “transcendent yo.”

10. If you fart, silent or otherwise, you have to claim it by saying, “Yahtzee!” 20 push-ups for not claiming it.

11. Mandatory water cooler talk for five minutes at the end of every hour. Any topic of conversation is acceptable, but borderline inappropriate and invasive questions are encouraged.

12. Drink 48 ounces of water ever workday. To track performance, every employee must fill up a company issued 48 ounce water bottle at the start of the workday. There are checks every other hour to track performance by a guy whose only job is to check water drinking consumption. (And before you even think about dumping water, just know: Becky, a friend of a friend of an acquaintance from a few years back, once attempted to dump water into a flower pot, but was caught by said guy who’s only job is to check water drinking consumption, and was fined by an amount of 5 extra ounces the next day. She never showed up to work again. There’s also supposedly a pretty sizable lawsuit in the works.)

13. Every Friday at 2:30 there’s a 30 minute discussion about underground art. You have to make at least one contribution to the conversation.

14. No chair can recline past a 35 degree angle. There’s a guy whose only job is to measure chair reclining angles. He’s ruthless.

15. Paper airplane competition every Tuesday, with the winner getting the rest of the day off. As a result, this competition is taken quite seriously, and Brianna definitely didn’t smash a computer with a golf club that one time for a controversial measurement.

16. Slow clap every time somebody returns to the room after being gone longer than 5 minutes.

17. Be able to tell the difference between the ten different candles that are used throughout the office. Blindfolded.

18. Show up to work ten minutes early. OK, this is probably good practice. As long as you’re getting paid for it, at least. If you’re not, though, its’s more than acceptable to tell the boss this isn’t a high school basketball game, man.

2 thoughts on “Ridiculous Office Rules”

  1. This post was hysterical, Devon. What frightens me? I can actually imagine some corporations thinking these are great ideas & they have to incorporate them ASAP! LOL…

    1. I love the last part!

      Also, I do seriously think that not all of these rules should be applicable. Then again, the corporate world is a jungle of ridiculous.

Comments are closed.