Airports can be fun. With the proper know-how, that is. Without it, however, and they can be kind of like riding in the back of an old school bus while driving down stairs. So, in order to ensure optimal fun is had, and not the stairs, I’ve gone ahead and created something of a How-to guide. Simply follow the steps below and you’ll be sure to have one heck of a time!
(Disclaimer: product has not yet been tested. The result of your actions are not to be linked back to me in any way. Unless those results are positive, and exactly what I said they would be. Then by all means, credit must be give. But if you wind up in a jail in, say, Barranquilla, it’s not on me.)
1. Have a carry on that is, to the best of your knowledge, a foot and a half taller than the accepted limit.
2. When going through the metal detector make sure you keep at least one or two small items in your pockets. Like paper clips or coins or a steel Jack-In-The-Box. It’ll allow you the unique opportunity of being patted down by security or tackled by the linebacker-ish looking fellow next to security.
3. Wear elaborate footwear that requires some real work to get on and off. You know, something that says, “As a matter of fact, I did spend twenty minutes lacing these bad boys up, so what?”
4. Find yourself in a position that requires the use of a lot of toilet paper (use your imagination). Now, a fact about airport toilet paper: it’s thin. For perspective, on a scale of one to ten, one being a brick and ten being, I don’t know, floss, it’s probably an eight. A lot of adventures can be had with toilet paper that thin.
5. While waiting at your gate to board the plane, listen to an audiobook without headphones. Something like Why Yarn is Superior to Sand. Trust me on this one.
6. If you’re an American flying to Tokyo from, say, Chicago, go ahead and NOT print out your boarding pass for the connecting flight to Bangkok. You’ll have fun talking about this in Japanese with your new security friends.