Quiz: How Dependent on Coffee Are You?

Coffee: the fuel that fuels a lot of us when the fuel tank is on empty. But just how dependent are you on this fuel? Take the ten question quiz below and find out. How does it work? Read each question and simply answer yes or no. At the end, total up the yeses and see where you fall on the dependency spectrum.

1. When you wake up in the morning the first thing you do is get coffee. I’m talking roll out of bed, still in your snoopy pajamas and not totally sure what day of the week it is first thing. Yes or No?

2. You dream about coffee more than once a week. Maybe you’re sipping a freshly brewed cup on the patio of some cafe in Milan, or maybe you’re dancing slowly to You’re Beautiful with a tall, dark, handsome cup of joe. Yes or No?

3. You have more than three cups a day. Yes or No?

4. You’ve thought about the idea of wearing one of those beer dispensing helmets and filling it with coffee. Yes or No?

5. You’ve thought about setting up an IV to pump coffee straight into your blood stream. Yes or No?

6. Sometimes you have trouble falling asleep because you’re so excited about the coffee you’re going to have in the morning. Yes or No?

7. When desperate, you’re willing to top off that cold, half empty cup of Maxwell that’s been sitting in the break room since Monday. It’s now Thursday. Yes or No?

8. You know when people talk about the love of their life and say how when they’re with them it’s like they’re in this bubble of complete bliss and happiness? Coffee does that for you. Yes or No?

9. When bummed out you often drive to the grocery store and spend a long amount of time just sitting in the coffee aisle taking in the smell. Yes or No?

10. You can’t remember the last day you went without coffee. Yes or No?

Okay, now that you’ve finished the quiz, it’s time to tally up the yeses. To do this, you’ll need to go back through the quiz and add up all the yeses you circled in either pen, pencil, or other marking device. (Oh, you didn’t use a marking device because you only had to count to ten at the most? That’s cool, too. Just don’t tell your buddy who is proudly taping his quiz to the refrigerator, that he completed in crayon.) Once you’ve done this, refer to the graphic below and view the results.

Yeses: 1-3 — Amount of coffee dependence: low

What this says about you: you’re not against a good cup of joe. You even like it, and probably enjoy one in the morning on the odd day or at a coffee shop with a friend, but you don’t rely on it to get through the day. You could just as easily go without it and not feel like your life is spiraling out of control.

Yeses: 4 to 6 — Amount of coffee dependence: medium

What this says about you: you’re like most Americans. Coffee plays an important role in your day. It gets you going in the morning, and often in the afternoon too. Everything seems a little more manageable and a little less exhausting when you have coffee by your side. Go without it, however, and you might want to stab somebody with a blade that wouldn’t physically do them any harm but would still probably sting a little.

Yeses: 7 to 10 — Amount of coffee dependence: high

What this says about you: for you, coffee is no longer just coffee. It’s something more. It’s a reliable companion. A shoulder to cry on. An ear to speak to. A friend to go on a road trip with. Like a long road trip, too. Perhaps you could start in Key West, Florida and drive all the way to Alaska. Yeah, that’d be fun. Coffee would probably even drive a little if you asked nicely. That’s because coffee is whatever you want it to be, really. And you quite possibly rely on it more than you should. Consult a doctor if necessary.

The Power of Coffee

Each morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is get coffee. Okay, that’s not exactly true. I stumble around for awhile, find a t-shirt, maybe even pants, and generally curse things that don’t deserve being cursed at, like my dog’s bone that likes to hide in very obvious locations and stab me in the bottom of the foot. But getting coffee is the first coherent thing I do. Which is probably how a lot of people around the globe spend their first waking moments.

There are many ways one can accomplish this. You can pay somebody else to make it for you, say, a Starbucks, or local coffee shop, or maybe your kid who is old enough to know how to make coffee but too young to know a quarter is grossly unfair compensation – or you can make it yourself, in a number of capacities. Personally, I choose the latter. Here’s what that looks like for me: walk to the coffee pot, make coffee.

It’s pretty simple. That doesn’t mean I’m against people who like something more complicated, like a good french press or putting thirty six marshmallows in a latte, I just want the coffee in my body as fast as possible. Even if it tastes like old dirt, as long as it has caffeine and is remotely warm (okay, I’ll take that cold, half empty cup that’s been sitting in the kitchen next to the leftover roast beef sandwich, too), I’m good with it.

The thing to take away here, though, is just how many people drink coffee, and how many options you have when it comes to consuming it. For perspective, wherever you are in the world right now, there’s a 95% chance you are five minutes within a cup of coffee. At least in some form. The other five percent? Remote parts of Kazakhstan, a small percentage of the Pacific Ocean, and your friend Bryan’s. That’s it.

There’s a good reason for all this, too: coffee is amazing. And the Starbucks in that small percentage of the Pacific Ocean wasn’t bringing in the revenue like they thought it would (not to mention the commute was a drag).

In an ever-changing world, coffee is a constant people can rely on. It doesn’t get swept away in the latest craze, or become something it’s not. Coffee is old school. Steeped in tradition. True to its roots. Reluctant to admit its feelings for others (unless it’s a carmel macchiato – that guy loves to talk about feelings). If you ask coffee what its favorite hobby is, it would probably answer chopping wood; because it’s honest work.

Of course, it’s not just coffee’s strong character and accountability that draws so many of us to it. It’s what coffee does for us, too. Perhaps most notably, is the energy we get from it. Which works a little something like this:

Before coffee: damnit, Karen, nobody wants to hear about your romantic getaway to Botswana with Jaque, the French-Canadian billionaire who volunteers at an animal shelter in his spare time and once genuinely listened to my ridiculous startup idea about revolutionizing the spork.

After coffee: wow, Karen, those spreadsheets. Holy cow, those were amazing. I love how you rounded those decimals to the the thousandths. Great work. Hey, does anybody want to climb Everest this weekend?

Additionally, coffee is a perfect beverage for both group gatherings and one-on-one settings – from a date, to a casual evening out with friends, to a work meeting, and more. Which is something not a lot of beverages can do. Take beer, for instance. Great for a date and a casual evening out with friends. But a Bud Light tall boy might pose a few problems at the weekly work meeting. If that kind of thing is encouraged at your workplace, then more power to you, and are you accepting applications?

Coffee also has the innate ability to make things better. Mundane things. Cool things. Everyday things. Not so everyday things. Whatever it is, it’s almost certainly better with coffee. In fact, here’s a very scientific list of things that are better with it, which was probably put together after years of tests conducted by Harvard and one Bill Nye:

1. Everything.

No matter the time of day, coffee is a always a great choice. Morning, afternoon, evening – it doesn’t matter; coffee does the trick. Really, it wouldn’t be totally weird to fill one of those beer dispensing helmets with your choice of brew while at work for a constant influx of the good stuff. Or while at home binge-watching Netflix at two in the morning, for that matter.

When it comes to coffee, it is what you need it to be, whenever you need it to be. A reliable companion. An energy boost. A friend for any professional or social setting. A scientific study conducted by Bill Nye. It’s why coffee is so universally well liked, and why so many people consume it in so many different ways. Well, that and it’s super tasty. There’s that, too.